Centered

             I’ve come to learn that the most surefire way to offend the most people is not radicalism. I think that many are drawn toward a radical stance in their ideologies, whether in politics or religion or merely personal tastes. The way to offend the greatest number of people is to be brazenly, unabashedly moderate.
            When you tread down the middle of the road, people on the far end of either side will try to run you over. Despite this fact, I think it’s the safest route to travel. You walk the yellow line and may lean more toward one side than the other, but you stay centered. You follow a line painted by someone who’s foraged the path before. At the same time, you draw your own.
            I’ve heard a myriad of mixed reviews on open-mindedness. Some seem to tout it as the only virtue worthy of achieving. Others regard it with fear and suspicion. Then there are the moderates like myself, who weigh the pros against the cons to try and reach a balanced conclusion. I believe it’s certainly possible to be too open-minded; to keep it gaping to the point where your brain falls out. This beckons empty philosophies and self-contradictory ideals to rush in like the crowd at Grand Central Station, boarding potentially harmful trains of thought. At the same time, if we keep our minds firmly closed, we may leave no exit for counterproductive ideas and instead deny entrance to the helpful ones.
            Some equate piety with closed-mindedness, but this in itself is a closed-minded view. If I hadn’t kept my mind open to new concepts, I wouldn’t have sought out spiritual answers and come to identify with Christianity.  In my experience with the faith, I don’t deadbolt the doors of my mind and peer nervously through a keyhole at foreign worldviews. I don’t think I have all the answers, nor do I believe I’m correct about everything. I’m open to revision because I refuse to be complacent. Complacency stifles our intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth. Like vegetation, we need light to grow. How can we see the light if we refuse to look for it?
            In my opinion, a dominant cause of complacency is pride. Some refuse to step outside of familiar territory because questioning the world around them could lead to questioning themselves. David Wong, a writer for Cracked.com, explored this issue in an article called “10 Things That Atheists and Christians Can (and Must) Agree On.” It was a terrifically thought-provoking read. Wong expressed his views much more eloquently than I could, and I would recommend it to everyone. However, some will take issue with a few of his points.
            In his article, Wong stresses the importance of tolerance for others’ beliefs. People from all different faiths decry the concept of tolerating other religions and disagree with the suggestion that we try to coexist with one another. Because so many followers of so many different faiths hold this view, there have been millennia of bloodshed and oppression. The rivals can only agree that they disagree, but cannot agree to do so. People quote their respective Scriptures to defend behaviors that result in exclusion at best and genocide at worst. We have no just cause to do this. By “we,” I don’t only mean Christians. I mean all humans. This is why.
            The world population, for the most part, believes itself to have free will. If we believe ourselves to possess free will, we also must concede that others have it. It’s not just limited to ourselves and to those who will further our causes. It’s for everyone. This means we have the ability to adopt any worldview, whether religious or irreligious. It means we are able to follow any faith. This doesn’t mean that every religion is correct, or that every outlook is commendable. Free will just allows us to choose our own outlook, whether it’s right or wrong. Some may argue that there is no “right” set of beliefs because if there was, there wouldn’t be so many variations in our understanding of it. This is a good point, although difficulty in identifying an objective truth doesn’t prove that the truth doesn’t exist. Many people can err while solving a math problem, but that doesn’t mean the math problem has no solution. Some wrong answers will be closer to the truth than others. Likewise, some religions come closer to truth than others. At the same time, theological dilemmas are far more difficult to resolve than simple math problems. Religion features more angles than geometry does.
            The Bible instructs us to spread the good news throughout the world and make disciples. Some Christians have interpreted this to mean we’re obligated to convert all non-Christians, but I don’t think the Bible says this. The Gospels say that Jesus sent his Apostles to spread the word, but advised them to simply leave the villages in which no one was receptive to His message. They were supposed to share the word, but allow others to make up their own minds. In a world with free will, we must live alongside those who have different beliefs.
           Coexisting doesn’t mean we have to agree. Tolerance doesn’t mean we must view all other religions as equally “true”; it just means we have to recognize other peoples’ right to practice them. Jesus commanded us to love one another. In my opinion, this also extends to loving people of different faiths. Most Christians regard evangelism as an act of love, because we want people to go to heaven. According to 2 Peter 3:9, God is “not willing that any should perish.” We ought to share this feeling. That verse doesn’t mean we should try to force our views upon others, though. It doesn’t advocate bullying, violence, or incessant preaching to those who don’t want to hear it. I think it just means we should share our views, but be willing to listen to others. James 1:19 tells us to be slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen. (It’s perfectly possible to listen to someone else’s point of view without agreeing with them. As Aristotle said, “It is the mark of an educated man to entertain a thought without accepting it.”) This implies a gentle nudge, not a shove (See 1 Peter 3:15 and Jude 1:22). Some object to the gentler approach, as they say that the Bible is meant to be an offense by its very nature. It’s a double-edged sword, in that it reveals our own sins to us. This is true, but “offensive” is a relative term. Liberal Christians may be offended by conservative evangelism, and conservative Christians may be offended by the more liberal variety.
            I disagree with the act of befriending people from other religions for the sole purpose of converting them. We don’t have to include our religious views in every conversation. We should be able to enjoy another person’s company without having a motive. Even if the motive is positive, we shouldn’t allow it to become a barrier to our friendships. It’s all right to spend time with someone simply because we are fond of them. When I consider this, it reminds me of how I feel when someone is trying to sell me something. The sales rep may be friendly, and might even endorse a great product. Still, I can tell that he or she is not just hanging around because they like me. Evangelism can sometimes come across as opportunistic if it’s carried out in response to grief. When someone dies, a Christian’s first inclination may be to discuss the Gospel in an effort to comfort the deceased person’s loved ones. However, it may not come across as a sincere gesture. It might seem like the Christian is using the tragedy to promote his or her own agenda.
           When pride comes into play, it can be difficult to untangle one’s own agenda from a larger, loftier goal. A Christian may tell himself that he’s angry at nonbelievers for rejecting God, but Christianity is so enmeshed in his own sense of self that to reject his beliefs is to reject him personally. Thus, his indignation can become more about himself than about God. Loving God unselfishly is an enormous challenge. It’s easy to obey Him mainly out of a fear of punishment or a desire for reward. It’s easy to love Him simply for the favors he bestows on us, rather than for who He is. It’s a daunting task to scrub the residue of self-interest off of our motives, but it’s important to try.
          Pride causes us to become complacent and intolerant. I’ve observed a lot of division within the Christian community that seems to stem from pride. Some make a big point of singling out “false” Christians. This can become a stumbling block for others. If a person sincerely considers herself a Christian but others tell her otherwise, it’s discouraging. After a while, she may get frustrated enough to give up. Her reaction may be, “Why even bother trying? None of these people think I have legitimate faith, anyway.” This type of accusatory attitude can alienate those both inside and outside of the faith.
          When I was stubbornly opposed to Christianity, I resented it due to the attitudes and behaviors that I saw in some of its followers. I saw legalism, a condemnation of anyone who didn’t adhere to various doctrines, and a highly conditional acceptance of people. I even heard some Christians smugly delighting in the prospect of their foes’ damnation, as if heaven is an eternity of gloating and reveling in others’ exclusion. It took me a long time before I learned just how many Christians object to those attitudes. I was ignorant to assume that the majority held such polarizing views. Upon taking a closer look, I’ve seen a great deal of support and compassion within the community. Still, I feel that we should make a stronger effort to peacefully coexist with those of different worldviews.
           Some of the more zealous Christians who oppose the concept of coexistence might cite OT passages in which Israelites were commanded to kill those who worshipped other gods. I feel that we have to look at the context of those Scriptures. They describe regulations for a drastically different time, in which drastic measures were needed to spread God’s message and ensure that the Israelites would prevail. Some claim that the laws can never change, but they can. Jesus said Scripture can’t be broken, but taught that many Old Testament laws are no longer relevant. He proclaimed that mercy, love, and compassion are far more imperative than animal sacrifices, rituals, or dietary restrictions. He preached that our words and actions make us unclean, not our food. In addition, the New Testament does away with the notion that circumcision is necessary for salvation. God cares about fortitude, not foreskin. (If you’re offended by the bluntness of that statement, please remember that the Bible mentions circumcision quite a number of times). My point is that some regulations are timeless, but other codes can be subject to change. Jesus was a reformer, and many accused him of blasphemy for this reason. They became so preoccupied with details and traditions that they turned a blind eye to the bigger picture.
            I’ve heard it said that we’re not supposed to adapt our perception of God so He suits us; we’re supposed to conform ourselves to His standards. I agree, but our views of God vary greatly. We will inevitably apply our own perception of perfection, and then mold ourselves to try and match it. We have such subjective views of God and Scripture. This is the danger in allowing religion to reign over laws and government. This is why the priestly collar basically became a noose throughout the Dark Ages. Scripture can be misinterpreted by those in power and used to justify anything they wish to do. It’s not always simple to discern which interpretations are correct, since there are so many of them. We don’t have the original copies of Scripture to use as a frame of reference. Even if we did, they would be subjectively construed.
            I’ve been praying and thinking about Scripture extensively. I think that some parts of the Bible are divinely inspired while others may not be. Some people decide that all of it must be true and divinely inspired because some of it is, and others decide that none of it can be true or divinely inspired because some of it isn’t. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, though. (Also, something can be a true factual statement without necessarily being inspired by God.) Much has been altered by translation over the years, and you can even see discrepancies when comparing different versions of our current Bible. In the end, I think we all end up relying on our own interpretations of what it says. If we’re unclear about a passage, we research it or ask someone else. In that case, we trust another person’s judgment about it. I’ve prayed and come to conclusions, but I also recognize that someone else could pray and reach completely different conclusions. In this way, I think that some truths are absolute and others are not so clear-cut. That’s not to say there is no objective set of morals. This is my perspective on the matter: there are very few actions which would be right for everyone to take. Not everyone should marry, have children, or pursue the same profession. However, there are restrictions which apply to everyone. Although marriage is right for some and wrong for others, pedophilia is wrong for everyone. Child and animal abuse are wrong for any person to commit. What, then, is universally right for all of us? To eschew such immorality and to do our best to combat it.
            It’s comforting to think that we can get every answer we’ll ever need out of a book, but I think that life and morality are more complex than that. I believe in Jesus and believe He’s divine, but I have difficulty believing that something is true for no other reason than because it’s written in the Bible. It’s hard for me to believe that our only purpose in life is to evangelize, that we exist solely to spread dogma, and that all truths reside within one book. Life is bigger than that. At the same time, I feel that God is the center of life. He’s similar to the sun, in that He provides our sustenance and we cannot look at Him directly.  In the same way that people used to believe that the sun revolved around the earth, a lot of people believe that God revolves around us. It’s the other way around. We revolve around the Son. He is a part of everything good. As long as we live in honesty and love and kindness, I feel that we’re in touch with Him. Many of God’s truths are expressed in the Bible, but how can a finite book contain the infinite nature of God?
            The Bible itself advises us to test all things by the Spirit (1 John 4:1; 1 Thessalonians 5:20-22). If we don’t critically analyze Scripture, I think we neglect a practical skill which God gave us. Some people refuse to analyze out of fear. Fear can shut and lock one’s mind as effectively as pride. With fear, we mercilessly police our own thoughts. Human rights would cease to exist if a government were to censor its citizens as severely as we can censor ourselves. Fear traps us in the dark warehouses of our minds, with no company but the neuroses we’ve stored up in there. Fear bars off unfamiliar doorways with yellow caution tape, ultimately blocking us from the exit.
            When we’re afraid, we don’t seek answers outside of what’s familiar to us. I know some Christians who scoff at science, and I think it’s due to fear. If we’re afraid to research things because we think they might challenge our faith, how genuine is our faith in the first place? I like to look at everything from an analytical standpoint—religion, philosophy, and science. This means that I don’t put immediate stock in what I hear, whether it’s metaphysical or scientific in its nature. I pray, research, and talk to people. In expanding my views, I’m stretching my faith to make it stronger and more flexible. I feel that knowledge is only rewarding when shared. It’s useless if we amass it just to hoard it selfishly, only using it for our own benefit. I’m not trying to present my interpretations as absolute truth; I’m just offering them on a food-for-thought platter. I welcome open discussion on these matters. Back-and-forth dialogue teaches us a lot more than a monologue, in my opinion.
            From what I’ve observed and experienced, the mind fares well with an open and moderate approach. Moderation doesn’t mean declining to take a stance, nor does it prevent you from being passionate about your beliefs or committed to them. Faith can reside at the center of your life as you walk the center of the road. Basically, I believe that you can be diplomatic without being neutral. Stray as far from both extremes as possible and you’ll end up centered, both literally and figuratively. The middle ground is fertile for the growth of knowledge and understanding.

Faith and Reason: A Crucial Balance (Part 4)

The conclusion.

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        Despite my doubts of inerrancy, I see a solid foundation of truth in Christianity. When I went to church for the first time, there was a moment in which everyone’s prayers seemed to merge into one. I could feel my heartbeat in my words, as if they had a life of their own. I lifted up my arms and felt as if I was touching God’s presence with just a brush of my fingertip. I used to be much more anxious and neurotic, but I now feel a peace I’ve never known. It’s not a placebo effect. I used to expect Zoloft to produce the same contentment, but it never did. All I can say is that God’s love feels like the Big Bang; like a whole universe bursting to life inside of you. It breaks you apart, showing you everything you are and aren’t and should be. While it cracks your spirit open, it also fuses you back together stronger than you’ve ever been. I wish for everyone else to share the same joy and to know they’re not alone in the world.

      Compassionate people and hateful people can subscribe to any faith, or the lack of it. There are “Orthodox atheists” who like to spread their gospel of Godisimaginary.com like bacteria. They harass prayer request websites, telling you that you’re stupid to pray because there is no god to listen. There are diplomatic atheists who are horrified by such behavior and wish those bullies would demonstrate the tolerance they preach. On the flip side of the same coin, there are hateful Christians who believe a woman’s only purpose in life is to pop out little bundles of bigotry. They boast that God speaks to them, but “God” only seems to tell them what they want to hear. Marx famously called religion “the opiate of the masses,” but I’d say it’s more of a stimulant than a depressant. It galvanizes people into action, which can either be positive or negative. Faith is good for congenial, honest, and gracious Christians who seem to emit more goodwill than they can contain.

            Where do I fit in the spectrum? I’m striving to become the kind of Christian I admire. I can’t be a fanatic who attends Harry Potter book burnings and thinks it’s sacrilegious to eat deviled eggs. I suspect you reach that degree of fervor once you no longer recognize that fanaticism exists; once you think it’s impossible to stretch too far. I can’t do that. I’m going to read Harry Potter books and dress up for Halloween, but God is still my first priority. I’m born-again. There were some complications with my second “birth,” but thankfully it came to term. I just want people to know that God is deeper, richer, and far more complex than anyone could completely capture within a book. Faith is not an all-or-nothing experience. Doubting some parts of it doesn’t entail that you have to disregard the rest. If you want the discernment to know what to believe, just use the judgment God gave you. It all comes down to Him in the end.

Faith and Reason: A Crucial Balance (Part 3)

Reasons for my beliefs, and why I continue to have faith in spite of my doubts.

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            In light of my plethora of doubts concerning Biblical inerrancy, you probably wonder how I can still call myself a Christian. After reading this, you may not consider me to be one. Please understand that I used to be more skeptical than this. Coming to believe any part of the Bible at all was a seismic shift for me. I consider myself Christian for these reasons: I believe that Jesus is the messiah. I believe He is divine, and He is our savior. I strive to follow His laws, and I answer to Him. As Jesus is both human and divine, I think the Bible is both divine and human. We are creations of God, but we pale in comparison to Him. In the same way, how could the Bible be equal to God? How can a book translated by human scribes hold a candle up to our creator?

            I’ve had a lot of experiences that revealed the supernatural to me. I shared some of them in “Reasons to Believe,” but there are more. A certain one was particularly jarring and unpleasant. When I was fifteen years old, I experimented with a Ouija board. A member of my family also became deeply involved with it, and we used it together. We were obsessed for about a week. We spent hours asking it questions. She carried it around with her. At one point I asked a spirit to “give us a sign” of its presence. Immediately, the light switched off. There was a tray of Snapple in the room, and the Snapple started sloshing around inside the bottles. No one was moving the Snapple, and no one was near the light switch. There was no wind, and none of the other lights in the house had turned off. We should have heeded the warning and stopped right away, but it wasn’t enough for us. We were curious and excited about the encounter, and wanted to see more. Later that week, the apparition of a face surfaced on my relative’s fingertip. It appeared suddenly and wouldn’t wash off no matter how hard she scrubbed it. The face was tiny, with a menacing sneer. It was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen. She showed it to my mom, who thought it had been drawn on her finger. However, the image was far too small and intricate for her to have drawn. We both saw it appear out of nowhere. She and I burned the Ouija board and I prayed for God to drive the demon away. Afterwards, the face finally vanished from her skin. It left us both very shaken, and neither of us ever touched a Ouija board again.

            I know that sounds quite far-fetched, and many of you will write it off. In fact, some of you might decide I’m completely insane and disregard anything I say from now on. It’s okay; you’re not obligated to believe me. I won’t expect you to believe it if you’ve never had a similar experience. I can only affirm that I witnessed this event, and that the other girl involved will verify it if you ask her. I don’t have a history of seeing or hearing unusual things. This was pretty much an isolated incident, and a few other people in my family saw the face as well. They tried to assign a natural explanation, as did I. I researched shared hallucinations and learned that if two people are psychotic or under the influence of certain drugs, they can influence each others' hallucinations by discussing them. The hallucinations are never identical, though. People can share delusions, but these differ from hallucinations. Delusions don't actually cause you to see things. She and I didn't discuss the apparition, though. We saw it, and neither of us have a history of psychosis. We both know what really happened. I learned not to meddle with occult games. There is a certain thrill to them, because they feel as if you are sneaking into the spiritual realm instead of knocking on the door and asking to be invited in. Regardless, the consequences are not worth the excitement.

         Aside from that episode, I’ve read and heard many stories that further confirmed my belief in the supernatural. I learned of a phenomenon in which identical twins feel pain when the other is injured or in danger, even if their twin is far away. I spoke to a woman who told me about a time in which she felt a sudden urge to take a new route home, and it turned out that she narrowly escaped a car accident that could have killed her. Numerous people report sightings of spectral figures. One of my teachers at the Fairfield Brio told me that her mother had passed away in the bathroom, and my teacher’s son was unaware of it. When he was four years old, he visited his late grandma’s house and his grandfather mentioned her. The child asked, “You mean the lady in the bathroom?”

        Upon reading these accounts, some may acknowledge that these sound supernatural but wonder why I identify with Christianity specifically. A large extent of my faith is rooted in the saga of Aunt Mary.

        After she died, I found a huge collection of her old diaries. I buried myself in them for weeks, hoping to find answers to the mysteries of her life. Soon, I noticed a distinct pattern. Whenever I was reading one of her journals and had a question about her life, I would find the answer on the next page. This happened so many times in a row that there was no way I could call it a coincidence, especially since the questions and answers were so specific. I wondered what she’d wanted to do once she graduated from college, and immediately found an essay she wrote about her wish to become an art teacher. I wondered if she’d written anything about my mother, and then found an entry about her on the next page. I wondered if she’d ever written about me, and found a poem on the following page which was addressed directly to me. She wrote it for me a week after I was born. It was a beautiful heartfelt message about how she was so thrilled to meet me and hoped I would have a wonderful life. At one point I was feeling sad as I read her journal, because she sounded depressed and lonely in so many entries. I wondered if she’d had enough joy in her life, and if I’d helped to make her any happier. I thought I had read all the entries. There was a long series of blank pages. I flipped through the book, and felt as if my fingers were magnetically drawn to a certain page. I didn’t know why, since I assumed it was blank. Amidst the bare sheets there was a page with a single sentence jotted on it. It read, “If I die soon, then everyone will know I had a good life. If I live longer, then everyone will know they helped make it that way.” When I read it, the hair stood up on the back of my neck and my skin prickled. I cried in complete relief and gratitude. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

       There is a lot more to Mary’s story, but the most poignant part came a month later. On September 10th, a month after she died, her friend called my grandmother’s house. A poem had popped up in his head and he didn’t know where it came from, but he knew it was addressed to Mary and felt suddenly compelled to share it with my grandma. This is the poem:

A Shepherd's Voice

For Mary

It is I who heals the memories of yesterday’s pain

Remember, I go where no man can go—in pure light

Yes, I, Lord of it all.

You will not travel through this darkness alone.

You’re my creation

Wherever you go, I will follow.

My lovelight, bear it bright!

Night and day, day and night.

We are partners in rhythm, partners in grace

Lock into Me, moving, a fiery embrace

We will each take turns whispering,

“Let me lead,” “Follow me,” “Love Me,”

“Walk on.”

            When Mary’s friend wrote this down, he didn’t know she had died.

            I didn’t realize how many Biblical layers are in this poem, but they run deep. First, there’s the reference to the Lord as a shepherd. Then it mentions the realm of pure light (the Father), where only the Son can approach. This tells me that Jesus is addressing her in the poem. I was initially confused by the line “You’re my creation,” but then I learned that Jesus did create the universe along with God. The Bible lists Jesus as a creator, and says that He always existed. God didn’t “make” Him. He did not always exist in human form, but He always existed in spirit.

Reasons to believe

Just so you know, this is quite long (10 pages). I wrote it in the beginning of December. My standpoint remains the same, with the exception of my views on hell and on evolution.

*    *    *

These are thoughts that have been accumulating for months, but I didn't know how to even begin expressing them. The prospect intimidated me. Now I have the words and the motivation, and a night without distractions. So, here goes.

I feel like a misfit in most groups. I'm more pious and have more "traditional" values than a lot of the artistic people I know, and am more analytical and questioning than a lot of religious people I've encountered. As a result, I tend to keep a lot of opinions to myself while spending time with people. Some may not consider me a "real" Christian due to certain factors. I live with my boyfriend, who I've been with for five years. I have gay friends. I don't attend a church. I tell colorful jokes and make sexual innuendos (though I try to draw the line between silly wordplay and actual vulgarity). I've interpreted some Biblical passages in ways that deviate from popular doctrine, basing my views on the original Hebrew words and the context of the Scriptures. At the same time, I love Jesus, read the Bible, try to apply its teachings to my life, and keep a prayer journal. I thank God for everything He provides, and apologize for all my failings while doing my best to repent of them. I pray every day for everyone I know, regardless of whether I like them or not. Every time I hear someone has a problem, I say a prayer about it. I’m not saying this to exalt myself, but just to convey the way I live my life.

I wasn’t always Christian in my beliefs, and never used to apply Jesus’ standards to my behavior. I’ve believed in God and said frequent prayers throughout my life, but haven’t always believed that Scripture was divinely inspired. I believed in a god that wasn’t tied into any specific religion. Essentially, I worshipped a Creator of my own creation. This god didn’t have any standards or expectations. He was mainly there to comfort me when I was distressed, and to grant wishes. Until recently, I didn’t really feel compelled to give back to God for His blessings. I took Him for granted.

For years, I actually professed to be anti-Christian. I didn’t dislike all Christians. I disliked Christianity as a whole. My views were colored by various people who were not prime examples of the faith. My reasoning was, “I don’t want anything to do with the religion if this is how most of its followers behave.” However, I’ve come to realize that it’s both limiting and unfair to reject an entire faith on account of some of its adherents. Over the past few years, I’ve met wonderful people who are Christian. I’ve learned that they don’t all dress the same way or have uniform hobbies and tastes. They don’t all wear plain pastel-colored clothing and walk around looking sheepish or nervous. I’ve learned that a Christian can be a metalhead, a biker, an artist, a comedian, or a rock star. Leah, Celine and Elan have given me faith in Christianity rooted in genuine compassion and charity. Matthew, Nicole, and Nicholas have taught me that Christians can be deeply intelligent and analytical. They’ve also provided an inspiring example by holding themselves to the same standards they hold everyone else to. C.S. Lewis showed me that a Christian can be a creative genius. Elna Baker taught me how a Christian can be witty and fun. (This is not to say that any of the aforementioned people lack the qualities I didn’t assign to them. I’m just pointing out the traits which I immediately associate with each person.) About four years ago, I remember declaring that I would “never be a Christian.” It’s funny how God takes “I’ll never” statements as a challenge. This year, He began to chisel away at the wall I’d built up. It started when I read something my friend Nicole had written on a Facebook survey. One of the questions was, “What’s your biggest pet peeve?” She answered that her biggest annoyance is when people disregard the whole Bible just because they don’t like some of the things it says. Up until that time, I’d convinced myself that my objections to Christianity were purely logical. Then, I began to question myself. I came to the realization that a lot of my objections were based more on emotion than on reason.

When I was a student at SCSU, I took a Religious Philosophy course. We discussed the basic qualities of the Abrahamic God, and debated whether or not such a god can exist. I argued that one can believe in a god who’s completely unrelated to any world religion. I noted that many Christians say you have to believe in the Bible if you believe in God. Similarly, many atheists claim that you must reject any possibility of a deity if you doubt Scripture. I pointed out that it’s not all-or-nothing. You can doubt Scripture without doubting the existence of a god, and you can have faith in God independently from Scripture. This is true. However, I missed a crucial point. You can believe in a god that’s detached from religion, but the fact that the belief is possible doesn’t necessarily mean it’s valid.

Although I haven’t associated myself with a religion for most of my life, I’ve always tended to defend the belief in God over atheism. Just as it’s unfair to stereotype Christians, it’s also unfair to make sweeping generalizations about atheists. I don’t think that all atheists hate religious people, nor would I say that all atheists reason the same way. I have noticed common patterns in atheistic logic, though. For one, a lot of Bible skeptics actually base their doubts on Biblical claims. I’ve heard more than one skeptic say they don’t believe in hell because “a loving god wouldn’t send anyone there.” They accept the Biblical premise of a loving God, but then use it as grounds to dismiss another premise in Scripture. This can be called “having your cake and eating it too.” Another inconsistency is that many unbelievers have a moral code, and believe in a set of unchanging ethics that apply to everyone (even if they leave room for moral relativism when it comes to some of their values, most atheists would concede that certain moral laws do apply to all). This is my question: How do you think the code came to exist? One could say we developed it to ensure our survival with the help of our peers, but that doesn’t entirely cover it. How do we innately know what’s fair and just, and what is not? Some people don’t care how they treat others, but they certainly react when they are wronged by another person. Therefore, we are aware of an innate ethical code, whether or not we live by it. The theory that we developed ethics to improve our chances of survival misses another point, too. It doesn’t explain why we intrinsically know that selflessness is a virtue and that self-sacrifice is noble when done for the good of another person.

I’ve heard some atheists say that life is about doing whatever makes you happy. In my opinion, you can’t judge something as “good” on the simple basis of whether or not it makes you happy. It might bring you joy at the expense of someone else. It may be self-destructive, even if momentarily satisfying (such as drug abuse or overeating). All the same, the fact that an activity is “fun” doesn’t automatically make it wrong, either. Pleasure is not the deciding factor of whether or not an action is ethical. In my opinion, it’s irrelevant.

When deciding what you believe, it’s easy to cave into social pressure. It’s easy to confuse your own inborn moral convictions with the ones you’ve been conditioned to believe. It’s easy to confuse what’s “right” with what’s popular, even if it’s only popular in your family or social circle. A lot of people who identify with a religion tend to struggle in distinguishing between their genuine convictions and the views of their community. Atheists and agnostics face this too. It’s tempting to subscribe to a certain worldview or concept because it’s what all the “smart” people believe, and you want to be respected intellectually. It’s trendy to be cynical. For a long time, this is why I never discussed my belief in God. I didn’t want anyone to think I was stupid, ignorant, or crazy. It’s so sad that those qualities are associated with spiritual reverence.

I’ve heard it said that people believe in God for deep-seated psychological reasons. I agree that many people do have a psychological need, but it’s not the only reason. Plenty of atheists, agnostics, and otherwise non-religious people have psychological reasons for not believing. Some may have negative associations with religion or God, stemming from painful experiences. Some may simply think that life is simpler, more convenient, and more fun without a religious code to regulate it. These are by no means the only reasons why a person would choose not to include God in their life. They are common reasons, though. A lot of people replace God with evolution, but this doesn’t need to be done. One can believe that evolution was guided by God. In fact, The Genesis Enigma (which was written by an agnostic scientist) details how he discovered that Earth formed in the same order specified by Genesis. It formed over more than just six days, but the Bible does say that God’s time is different than ours. Several billion years could be one day for God. Personally, I have doubts about the theory of evolution. I believe in microevolution, the variation and adaptation within species. I question macroevolution, the change of one species into an entirely different one. I’ll post another note explaining my doubts, since it would take too long to get into it here. Suffice to say, I suspect that the theory has holes in it. In fact, it may be more a bit holier than the church. (Please excuse the atrocious pun.) I’ll post my questions about evolution, in hopes that I can find explanations. I want to find answers to some Bible-related questions, too.

One issue I’ve pondered is how Jesus seems to differentiate Himself from God, but that could be like the conscious and subconscious mind. Different parts of the brain are aware of different facts. This could explain why the Father knew things the Son didn’t. While reading the Bible, I’ve also come across some passages and wondered if they contradict one another. I’ll post them later to see if anyone can help me reconcile them. I do think that in the midst of translating Scripture into different languages, some things have been lost. I won’t just leave my questions unsettled and be content to stay unsure, though. Even if I can’t come to a  fully satisfying conclusion, I’m not going to cast aside the whole Bible. I won’t leave my questions about evolution unsettled, either.

Although there are still some issues I’m unclear on, I have a basis for my faith. Some of it is rooted in my own experiences, some in research, and some in stories I’ve heard from other people. In college, I did a research paper on Near-Death Experiences (NDE’s). I read one account in which a woman saw her sister in the afterlife, and only later learned of her sister’s death. A scientist returned from a NDE with new discoveries he’d learned on the other side. People gained knowledge of future events. Some have watched the past. People have left their bodies and heard conversations that were out of their earshot (and those conversations have later been confirmed). People see their entire lives play back to them, and learn about the impacts of their decisions. Some report reading letters and numbers, which can’t be read in a dream. One woman floated up to the sky during cardiac arrest and, after returning to her body, said that she’d seen a blue shoe on the hospital roof. The shoe was then found. Some people have visited the afterlife and seen new colors that they couldn’t have imagined.  Those with longer NDE’s have reported more intense experiences. Some atheists have come to believe in God as a result. Others have had experiences that didn’t line up with their religious beliefs, so it was unlikely a result of them inventing what they expected to see. I can post the report if anyone wants to read it and see my sources.

Outside of my research on Near-Death Experiences, I can’t help but believe in an afterlife when I observe the world around me. In nature, so many things renew themselves. Plants regrow each year, and spring comes around after winter. When the sun sets, it’s like the death of a day. The day is reborn during sunrise, though. I know this interpretation is more poetic than literal. All plants do eventually die, and someday the sun will no longer exist. I think this shows a general pattern of rebirth, though. Just as we begin a new life on the other side when we die, we can be reborn during our lives. We can renew our hope and faith, even when it seems to come to an end.

Aside from what I research and perceive from life, I’ve had my own experiences. Over the years, I’ve had many very specific prayers answered. I see it happen with other people too. Twelve years ago, my uncle Tom was scheduled for surgery to remove a pancreatic tumor. He was told that if he didn’t have the surgery, he would die. A relative stayed up praying with him on the night before his operation. The next morning, the doctors saw he had a spontaneous remission. The tumor was completely gone.

Three years ago, my aunt Mary passed away. A month afterward, my grandma got a call from Mary’s old friend, Brett. She used to be very close to him when they were younger. They’d collaborated on poems together, taking turns writing lines. They had lost touch years earlier, but Brett woke up one morning with a poem in his mind. He jotted it down, not even feeling like he’d planned it. The poem was all about Mary walking with God and going to heaven. It was called “A Shepherd’s Voice.” After writing it down, he called my grandma’s house and asked to speak to Mary. He suddenly felt driven to share it with her. Brett was stunned when my grandma told him Mary had died. He started to cry on the phone. That day, Brett drove all the way from Vermont to Connecticut and left the poem on Mary’s dresser. I copied it down and now carry it everywhere with me, to remind myself that she’s safe with God and her suffering is over. She had a drug addiction for seventeen years before she died. I used to deeply resent her for it, although I never let her know. Now, I realize how wrong I was to condemn her. When she died, I found her old diaries and hundreds of poems she had written before she got addicted to crack. I rediscovered the warm, loving, creative, sensitive, funny, insightful, and wonderful person who was hidden behind the drugs for all those years. I came to love and understand her in a way I never had before. God had taken her in mercy and guided her home. After seeing that, how can I not look at Him with complete love and gratitude?

I’ve had my faith affirmed in less serious circumstances, too. When I first started to apply Jesus’ lessons to my life, the results were remarkable. This summer I did a favor for someone I disliked. I wasn’t trying to gain her friendship. In fact, it made no difference what she thought of me. I merely did it because it was the right thing to do, and I would have appreciated someone extending the same kindness to me. From that point on, we’ve been on good terms. The day after I chose to swallow my pride and help her, I got an interesting email. It was a message from an ex-boyfriend, apologizing for everything he did during our relationship six years ago. He wrote that he was in a 12-step program and was trying to make amends to everyone he’d wronged. He had abused me when we were together and I’d gotten several restraining orders against him since then. I hadn’t heard from him in five years but still felt unresolved about the ordeal. That message was exactly what I needed to have closure, so I decided to give him closure too. I wrote back just to say, “I forgive you.” I think the whole experience over those two days was a lesson in forgiveness.

There are many events in my life that led me to believe. I might share more of them in a future post. I just chose to include these because they’re so poignant to me. I don’t expect everyone to believe me. Some will, and some won’t. That’s another thing, though. Some people claim there’s no evidence for anything beyond the physical world, but dismiss stories like this when they hear them. They refuse to see them as evidence, because they’ve already made up their minds. Skeptics often attribute these accounts to mental illness. It’s true that people with mental illnesses have told these types of stories, but so have many people with no history of psychosis. The experiences tend to have a lot in common with one another, too. Besides, an event doesn’t automatically need to be dismissed just because it was told by someone who was psychologically unbalanced. Anyone can have a spiritual experience. So many have been recorded over the years that it’s hard to believe none of them are true. Even if only one is true, it opens the gateway of possibility.

A lot of people doubt occurrences like miracles because they’ve never seen one. That’s the point of a miracle, though. If it were commonplace, it would escape our attention and no one would recognize it as an act of God. I’ve also heard that Christianity has Pagan DNA; that the story of Christ is a combination of older Pagan myths. I’ve looked into that claim, and found that the majority of Pagan mythology involving a resurrected man had been written after Jesus’ lifetime. Even the stories that preceded Christianity don’t indicate that the Bible plagiarized it. If anything, God likely planned it that way so the Pagans could compare it to their stories and see that something divine was taking place. This reminds me of evolution, too. The fact that two entities share similar traits doesn’t necessarily mean that one evolved from the other.

One of the more popular arguments against Christianity is that it was written to secure power over the public. I sincerely doubt this when I think of what the Apostles were subjected to. They were legally persecuted for spreading the Word, and the rules they prescribed for other people applied to themselves as well.

A further popular claim is that we can’t find evidence for such things outside of the Bible. There were historical accounts outside of the Scriptures, though. Jesus’ miracles were mentioned by other sources, both religious and non-religious. One of the most famous was Flavius Josephus’ historical record, Antiquities of the Jews. It was written soon after Jesus’ lifetime. And in Acts, Paul’s descriptions of Roman life were meticulously detailed and accurate. He correctly described the local geography, weather, political customs, and social attitudes. The more we discover about history, the more the Bible seems to be verified. We didn’t used to think the Hittites existed, until their whole library was unearthed. (You can find a lot more details about this in I Don’t Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist, which is an excellent read.)

As strongly as I believe the gospels, though, I’m not satisfied with today’s church. I’ve yet to meet a Christian who is happy with it. Every Christian I’ve spoken to either feels that the church has become too lenient or too harsh. On the news, I hear countless stories about Christians attacking and bullying anyone who doesn’t share their beliefs. They probably think they’re following God’s example by showing wrath, but vengeance isn’t ours to dole out. They’re not gaining many converts that way, either. You attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. You attract the most flies with bullcrap, though, which seems to be spread by a lot of contemporary churches.

I’ve listened to so many Christians hypocritically condemn others while refusing to acknowledge their own sins. I call them hypochristians. I think we operate under a Catch 22. Jesus told “whoever was without sin” to cast the first stone. This meant that if a person is sinless, they have the right to condemn. We’re supposed to strive for a sinless life, but to never believe we are without sin. So by claiming to be flawless, anybody who cast the first stone would have automatically been sinning (unless it was Jesus, but He chose not to. He said it to make a point.) This isn’t to say we can’t make any judgments, but they shouldn’t be hypocritical ones.

Contemporary churches, in my opinion, obsess too much over sexual behavior and don’t focus enough on other sins. Reckless sexual behavior is a significant problem, of course. It needs to be addressed. Sexuality in and of itself isn’t “bad,” but people can easily value sensuality over intellectual and spiritual joy. When this happens, sexuality becomes shallow. I think, though, that churches alienate many people by overemphasizing sexual sins as the absolute worst ones.

I’ve observed that modern Christian culture tends to belittle environmentalists by calling them “hippies.” Polluting the earth is an insult to God, though. By neglecting the planet, we trash the home that He built for us. It reminds me of the way we pollute our bodies by doing self-destructive things, since our bodies are home for our souls.

Despite my qualms about today’s Christianity, I want to stay true to the faith and grow in it. When I first committed to it, I was afraid of changing too much. I was afraid of God molding me into something unfamiliar. I no longer fear it, though. God’s judgment is always right, so whatever He chooses to do with me will be for the best.

I know this message is extremely long, but I needed to get all of this out there. I don’t think I have all the answers. I don’t even think these are original thoughts, because there isn’t a single thought in existence that God hasn’t come up with first. Not all of my conclusions are set in stone. I’m a work in progress. I am Christian, but not all the stereotypes apply. I don’t hate gay people or take part in book burnings. I’ll tell you my views, but won’t try to force-feed them to you. I can’t make anyone change their mind, though I do urge everyone to open theirs. Please, don’t be afraid to challenge yourselves. Try to understand other points of view—not to validate or agree with them, but to gain knowledge and compassion. Read as much as your brain can handle without turning to mush, and then read some more when your mind is refreshed. Research the context behind Scripture and the original meanings of its words, so you don’t fall for false doctrine. Please, always use the abilities you’ve been given. The way I see it, when God gives us gifts, we’re obliged to use them in order to give back. We have a responsibility to use them for the betterment of the world. The more abilities you have, the more responsibilities. That’s a beautiful thing, though, because it offers the opportunity to make a difference.